Love pounding with every kiss in time causing my heart tochange

Now I know it is that time.
To promise you we will have eternal love.
I press my lips against yours and lean in for a kiss.
I vow to you that you are my heart.
It is everlasting, this I can tell by all the pounding.
This is one part in my life I wish not to change.

In the passing of time,
it is the thumping heart I hear that is pounding.
Each vow that I make to you is our own definition of love.
I vow that the safest place known will be your heart.
I will hold it closely even more then when we kiss.

Those butterflies that stay in my tummy, is from that one simple kiss.
Or is it something else? Maybe hoping you will not change.
Each smile that is given will stay in my heart,
with just a matter of time.
I know it is our love.
I know it will still be pounding.

I no longer have to deal with the pounding
Because those headaches are gone once I get that kiss.
What burns brighter than the sun is our love.
I'm hoping that will never change.
This is our love and it will not fail, not even one minute at a time.
What counts by seconds and shows my affection is my heart

My heart,
that is pounding
shows the time.
It is that simple kiss
that shows no change.
That is the meaning of love...

Your love,
I can feel it in my heart
with just, a sudden change.
My heart is still pounding.
I pressed my lips against your and leaned in for a kiss
this is how I know it is time.

It is that time when we have eternal love.
You gave me that kiss. You are still my heart
And this I know from all the pounding.That part in my life still has no change

It is a sestina could you tell ? (:

Always taking the time to question

      Days, months, years have gone by.. not even knowing what to do anymore. They are not questions that you ask yourself on a typical Tuesday or ever really. It is the questions you ask when you're planning on turning your life around or taking something out. The questions that we might run into are am I making to right decision?If I do this, will it affect me in the future? These questions come across and sometimes we tend to brush it off our shoulders, almost like a shrug. It makes it ironic because that shrug that we are continuing to make; is almost like a reassurance that we have no idea how to answer.
      The thing that I ran into in the past week: I realized that I have been holding onto something that I am not so sure it is supposed to be there. When I first got a taste of what I was getting myself into it seemed so sweet, bright, and intelligent I couldn't get enough. It seemed though as if made me more knowledgeable, bringing out a piece of me that I thought never existed, or was it just trying to correct me? What I did know is that it made each corner of my mouth turn into a smile, making me hopeful that it is not the same one that I will have to toss. Some time went by and each bump in the road that I came across caused me to question. Does God want me to keep what I thought was given?Was it supposed to be there in the first place? As this one person once told me "Listen to what your brain is saying because your heart doesn't think" My brain is telling me that it is time to throw away what I had, but when I conceive the thought, the smile starts to fade and my heart continues to feel like it is out of place. Then my heart.. It says to hold onto it dearly just as it told me it loved me... dearly. That if I were to let go I would hurt even more if it was gone.  The brightness that it has brought into my life has been a blessing, so if I let it go will I be making the right decision? So many questions that again I cannot answer. Because only God knows these answers, He is the one that planned our lives out, He is the one to know if you are following, not us.

As the ball is tossed

This is where the saying “There is no I in team” applies. Working on the volleyball team has showed me nothing but unity.  We have gone through the good and bad, the winnings and the loosing. It went from pointing fingers towards who could have hit the ball to “You got that viper pride, yes oh yes!” but not all of that viper pride has came through. I have had my girls come up to me stating that they think some of the other girls do not like them. My question is “Why would they not?” Each one of my girls has their own spice to them. A little bit of spice and everything nice. We were created to be different, so of course they aren’t going to get along ALL THE TIME. But that’s why we learn to work through our dissimilarities and make our team stronger.  

This is what has taken my girls the longest to realize. They cannot win a game on their own, because if it were possible I am pretty sure there would be a play called 1-1.

Our season is coming to an end with only 3 losses though the entire season. Girls I wish you the best for next year, bring what you got and blow the coaches away.

Let’s go vipers!! Side out!! 

Chaos

           As you all know my life is scattered to say at the least. It is as if I am playing football with the NFL players and every time I catch the ball (which isn’t very often) I get tackled. I have victory in my hands, great ideas, you name it and somehow they always get shut down. It is the screaming that happens outside of the fields that narrows it down to my life. But that is not what I am trying to get at. Back to the main focus of this blog; chaos. You know we all have it, it starts with something simple and then when you don’t handle it right then it there, it becomes stressful. Then that stress turns into chaos or it is just chaotic right of the bat. Since it’s my life I can’t really get away from it but I guess you can say that’s what makes me so interesting. I am just a Cali girl that somehow got caught up in Arizona. I could keep clacking my heals together repeating “there’s no place like home”, but we all know I am not going anywhere. To add to my chaos I get to be lover birds with a college kid that goes to ASU. Maybe this is where my chaotic life begins, or maybe it was before that.. Coming out of my mother’s stomach and being around the loud family I have been raised in.

         What brought me to this conception is being sick. I have been doing nothing with myself for 4 days. No working out, no learning, no nothing. I feel as if I have just watching the back of my eyelids, hoping that when I open my eyes I’ll feel much better. Did it happen? No.  I know not doing anything doesn’t really seem to be chaotic but my brain is going crazy. I am the type of person that always is doing something, whether I am cleaning; listen to music, or just the stuff that keeps you going. I am always moving even when I’m supposed to be watching a movie my mind is always elsewhere. Not giving my body time to rest is probably the reason why I am still sick. But it is the chaos that keeps me going. 

Cinderella

       Have you ever had the feeling as if you were not good enough? Well in all honesty in our critical minds we will never be good enough but in Gods eyes we are that first snow flake to fall. This is something I personally struggle with.  I never take a second to realize that it is not always the outward appearance that makes you beautiful, it is what is on the inside. When you focus on what everyone else is doing or saying, you get lost and forget who YOU are. Then in the mix of it, your no longer pretty you are just that girl that struts her stuff down the hall not knowing who she is, but all that matters is she is “popular.”

      When you have beauty that comes within, everything else shines. Even though you feel as if no one notices you, the most important ones are the ones to look into your eyes and say “you are beautiful or you are the whole package” They are the ones to lift you up not shoot you down. God puts these people in your life for a reason. Whether it is to show you what’s to come or catch your attention to what you are missing.  He wants to show you that you are beautiful, He doesn’t make mistakes. So the next time you doubt yourself or look in the mirror remember are beautiful, because you are created in God’s image. 

Thud, thud, thud (Sound of your heart beat) It is more than the rhythm of your heart beat that makes it unique.  A heart is what attracts some people.  A heart is where people think they feel the emotion “Feeling broken”.  A heart is what keeps our blood flowing.  A heart is what I wear on my shoulder.  Giving love from left to right as a decision, not an emotion.  I t does not matter what type of love you are giving; It is still making the same decision. Love should always be persistent. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 when someone says “I love you” it isn’t for closure, but for doors to open up for what God has in store. When they look you in your eyes and express how much you mean to them, it is not just a play they decided to rehears. When a kiss is blown into the air it is for you to catch in remembrance of how much they will always love you. When your fingers are intertwined it is reassurance that you will never let go.  The love I have is genuine but I can only give so much of it away. Each relationship people get in and out of, a little piece is taken away.  Your heart should be passionate in everything thing you do. If you decide to pursue in something you should put all your love, care, and effort into it. Otherwise, nothing will be accomplished.  You tend to love so much and get nothing in return. So why don’t I just give up?

Giving up on someone or something should never be the answer.  If you decide on that, your heart is not in the right place. If you are intentionally trying to work on something or help someone out, you are going to go through the struggles and catch them when they fall. I am faithful.  You want to be the one they can count on because one day the two of you will become as one. You want to be able to become as ONE with loyalty and having God as your center. My heart is intimate and I know that if things get rocky the love I decided to give will never change. When you start to give up on someone, they start to become broken. The feeling of brokenness tares you apart but it will soon fade away. You made the decision to give up but you also made the decision to LOVE. You cannot have both otherwise your love was out of emotion the whole time. If your love comes from emotion then one moment you will be totally in love with someone and then two months will do by and you will realize and give up. It is a cycle that you need to know how it works or you will have a dysfunctional relationship. If that were the case the love you would have for someone would come and go.

There are many different hearts in this world and someone happened to fell in love with mine <3

2 Corinthians 3:18 “Love Never Fails”

http://www.myfoxphoenix.com/dpp/news/education/verrado-high-school-football-player-dies-10062011

    

   Today is the remembrance of a dear friend Cooper Courtney. Not a day has gone by when he didn’t make everyone smile. Walking in the halls with confidence and his head held high. “How’re der’in” For his funny hellos. Number 75 on Junior Varsity football team. A great player and someone who had great sportsmanship. Moments keep replaying in my head “Hey, Kayleana” as I’d pass you in the hall ways. You telling me how full of myself I was last year and not even taking the time to say hello. Walking down the D-wing with you, 2 days ago with a pull of my pony tail to bring me back to your walking pace. Cooper you had so much more life ahead of you… But God know and he says its time. No one wanted you to go. Today all of VHS mourned for you, held each other and became as one. We all smile up at you in heaven<3 It all seems unreal that your really gone, hoping for you to pop up somewhere.

May 2,1995-October 5,2011 So little time has gone by it seems as it were just yesterday when you were constantly beating me at tetherball at Verrado Middle school all the way back to the 5^th grade. The immature name callings on the play ground and playing tag on the field. Your smile lightened up a whole room and the loudness of your voice, will never is forgotten. Cooper you mean so much to us! It is never a goodbye , but always a see you later.

      Seeing pictures of smiles seems to be like it never happened. The different emotions you get at a regular high school to dead silence. Silence that will never be forgotten. We will live it up for you Cooper because that is how you would have wanted it to be. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Psalm 30:5
Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

May you rest in peace buddy.

      Tears are falling but I am not yet broken.  My heart is aching but it is not done fighting. My tongue might be tied but I still have things to say. I might be blind, but I know I still see the light. The shudders that are hidden, makes color seem concealed. Coffee black and egg white, life could be seen like this. But is it? Words that want to burst are held in. Winters water cannot yet flow.  We think as if it is erased, like it has never happened. Keep telling ourselves “I am fine” we push it aside for more time to pass. But do we truly ever really get rid of it?

      It may be forgotten but deep down, it is still there. The feeling of emptiness. At that moment not knowing what had caused it or why it is even there.  The recognition that your happiness is starting to fade. The energy that was keeping you going is now absconding. I had so much to hold on to, but all of it has managed to slip away. Each touch sent chills down my spine with a fast heart beat to now, nothing. I am lost and in need of His guidance. Not sure what I am doing or where I am going. Am I doing the right thing? Am I giving enough?  Right now all of it seems like a jumbled mess, but I know soon enough it will fit together as if it were a puzzle piece.

Even though life or relationships are not as easy as black and white, the shudders have to be opened sometime. But the question is when? All of which is going on I will continue telling myself …

I am fine.

A Job Well Done

A job well done is more than success. It is the sensation of beauty- as if you have done something. The feeling as if you have made an impact on some one’s life or something more. A friend came up to me a while back and expressed there was something missing. As I began to ponder, I told her where to look. But it wasn’t something physical that she could push aside in her messy closet to find. It was the emptiness she was aching in her heart. Knocking on her chest like “A man, a man made out of tin.” She became Tin Woodsman in the Wizard of Oz. Even though Tin Woodsman had NO heart she had nothing to look upon, until she found out what she was looking for. ” You’re rubbing off on me best friend what is going on here?”  We all know in the long run.It had nothing to do with me, all glory goes to Him. She began to convey that her whole life she was forced into going to church and being a Sunday Christian, but in the end she realized that it wasn’t enough. As she was talking it brought me back to Prescott Pines, having the time to put you aside and lead kids to Christ. Now was the time to bring work back home with me. Not only was she the Tin man but she was lost with no direction. Not knowing when to pray or even if she knew how to. Knowing the basics but didn’t know where to start. I asked her a few questions and her answers came out all unsure. Having hesitant responses is understandable, because it is a life changing decision. It is that first thing you have to take care of, crossing over. In the book of Joshua it talks about crossing the Jordan 3:1;4:24.  Making that life changing decision and leaving your old life in the past. Days and some Months have gone by and she is still trying to get back to Kansas, figure out what all of this means and why it is so important. We all have our own timing. “Close your eyes, tap your heals together 3 times and think to yourself there is no place like home”. All I can do is continue being a good influence and support her best I can and God will do the rest. We are all in Gods timing, and Gods timing is perfect.

A Story we all know that happends..

      If he opens his mouth she wants to hear the truth. Not the truth he wants her to believe it is true. Do not sit and pacify when all she is really wanting is honesty. She took a step in trying to break down her wall. But all she keeps trying to do is build it back up again… What goes though her head when something feels off are “How long are we going to be able to keep this up?” “Does he truly love me for me?” “How many other girls does he tell, I love them too?” She knows he tells her she shouldn’t have to worry. But how can she not? He does not show her enough for her to give him enough. He does not tell her enough for her to respond. It seems like he almost bored and she does not have the energy to keep him occupied.

      She tells him she loves him but is afraid her moving forward, is no longer moving. She needs him to meet her half way. Feeling broken and confused she cannot even fathom. She needs him constantly reminding her of the positive because she sits and wallows in the negative. She is falling and needs him to catch her. She wants a surprise from him to show her how much she mean to him, don’t tell. Because words will always be words but actions is what she can hold onto. She does not want him to pacify because that it all she hears.

      Questions that still float around in her head: Do you truly love me? When you think of me does your heart start to skip a beat or when my name is called.. Do you even look around? When you look back on us am I someone you want to “put effort into?”  Right now that’s all she is wanting. She wants them to be strong together. She wants his heart to feel the way as hers were to. She wants the effort she hasn’t felt in a long time.  She wants to share every moment with him.She just needs him to be there. 

Love

It starts out bright and clear.  All thoughts sound so appealing, even if you truly know peddles will begin to fall. It happens with just a matter of time. It’s a rose that is so everlasting. But once you get a hold of it, your insides begin to bleed. Bleed by all the hurt it has caused you, the thorns that you have embraced to hold onto forever. Never letting go even if it has caused you so much agony, agony that you wish have never felt before. It starts out so bright and clear and then things begin to change. A visual of a bleeding red to a dark and despondent color. It starts to droop tipping over the vase like it already wants to die. These thorns that you hold on to is the most painful thing, each prick you come across gives you another drop of blood you pat away. Hiding the wound like it has never been there before. Each kiss you take is another piece given.  There are gardens full of these roses but you just might want to make sure you pick the right one…

                                              

                                                             

You are perfect.

              

            Seeing you smile brings joy to my heart. Drawing pictures with you brings me warmth. Nathaniel Alexander Santana is a six year old boy that is still pushing through difficulties. He brought to my attention that imperfection IS perfect. His little grin, perfect. His laugh, perfect. Every inch that God created is perfect. He was born in Northern Hollywood, California. Already shows that he is a star. He is a star that shines so bright when you are in his presents. At birth he was diagnosed with a heart defect; his intestines were not developed right, MR, and still has managed to show us his strength after 19 surgeries. In this process since he was 3days old to 11 months only once was he able to come home. It touches me knowing his story born not even able to eat. Doctors did the best they could, giving Nate four drops of milk in one hour. That is not much, not much at all. At one point the doctor said he only had a couple days to a couple weeks to live.

Not only is Nathaniel growing and learning how to live this life style but teaching me in the process. He comes to the volleyball games, knowing me as “his girlfriend.” As I continue talking with him, I learn how to sign. He is no different from you and me, if not better. He can show all of us that we can be stronger then what we present ourselves to be. <3 

He is my Savior!

I fell in love with a seeker, someone who seeks for more then what is given. There has never been a time when he left my side nor forsaken me. Hebrews 13:5-6 "Let your conduct be without covetousness, and be content with such things that you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you,' so that we may boldly say, 'The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do to me.'" There has been a war and without him, I would have had battle scares. Battle scares that would stay with me forever. Each mark that was made or craved in my heart would be a remembrance of more burdens to weigh me down. But with him they are not there, not a single scratch did I come across. I am healed by his presents and will continue to be safe in his arms. Just cry out to him and you will be heard. He will not sit and ignore you or brush the situation off his shoulders. He feels your pain. So I will not sit here and be quite! But I will clear my voice to be heard. 

That is something I struggled with, knowing that Jesus can hear me. I would continuously pray for something and would not get an answer. Weeks, months, years would go by and I would hear nothing, not a single word. But really, the answer was there the whole time. I just was not listening. There was a time in my life when I was moved from my hometown here to Arizona. Feeling as if all my memories were gone as easily shook by an etcher sketch. I would pray that my mom would let me live my grandparents or something; I had no desire to be here. Had my bags packed for months and refused to get settled in my ‘new home’. As continued to pray, God would throw more reasons in my face why I should stay. He made sure I realized my Mom a stay home mom, while her husband was in Iraq. But at that moment I didn’t care. I didn’t care how everyone else was feeling all I could do was point fingers. Point fingers as to who gave me my misery. When really I was in control of it all. God made his answer very clear the moment I prayed for it, that I wasn’t going anywhere. But I wasn’t listening instead I would spend my days crying because everything was gone. Now that I look back on it I’m glad he didn’t allow it because in reality I would be getting into mischief, failing all my classes, and be that stuck up cheerleader everyone is ‘two faced’ towards. So if you feel like you are in a situation and God is not listening he is and always will be. You just need to take the time to listen. Just cry out to him and you will be heard.