Thud, thud, thud (Sound of your heart beat) It is more than the rhythm of your heart beat that makes it unique.  A heart is what attracts some people.  A heart is where people think they feel the emotion “Feeling broken”.  A heart is what keeps our blood flowing.  A heart is what I wear on my shoulder.  Giving love from left to right as a decision, not an emotion.  I t does not matter what type of love you are giving; It is still making the same decision. Love should always be persistent. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 when someone says “I love you” it isn’t for closure, but for doors to open up for what God has in store. When they look you in your eyes and express how much you mean to them, it is not just a play they decided to rehears. When a kiss is blown into the air it is for you to catch in remembrance of how much they will always love you. When your fingers are intertwined it is reassurance that you will never let go.  The love I have is genuine but I can only give so much of it away. Each relationship people get in and out of, a little piece is taken away.  Your heart should be passionate in everything thing you do. If you decide to pursue in something you should put all your love, care, and effort into it. Otherwise, nothing will be accomplished.  You tend to love so much and get nothing in return. So why don’t I just give up?

Giving up on someone or something should never be the answer.  If you decide on that, your heart is not in the right place. If you are intentionally trying to work on something or help someone out, you are going to go through the struggles and catch them when they fall. I am faithful.  You want to be the one they can count on because one day the two of you will become as one. You want to be able to become as ONE with loyalty and having God as your center. My heart is intimate and I know that if things get rocky the love I decided to give will never change. When you start to give up on someone, they start to become broken. The feeling of brokenness tares you apart but it will soon fade away. You made the decision to give up but you also made the decision to LOVE. You cannot have both otherwise your love was out of emotion the whole time. If your love comes from emotion then one moment you will be totally in love with someone and then two months will do by and you will realize and give up. It is a cycle that you need to know how it works or you will have a dysfunctional relationship. If that were the case the love you would have for someone would come and go.

There are many different hearts in this world and someone happened to fell in love with mine <3

2 Corinthians 3:18 “Love Never Fails”

http://www.myfoxphoenix.com/dpp/news/education/verrado-high-school-football-player-dies-10062011

    

   Today is the remembrance of a dear friend Cooper Courtney. Not a day has gone by when he didn’t make everyone smile. Walking in the halls with confidence and his head held high. “How’re der’in” For his funny hellos. Number 75 on Junior Varsity football team. A great player and someone who had great sportsmanship. Moments keep replaying in my head “Hey, Kayleana” as I’d pass you in the hall ways. You telling me how full of myself I was last year and not even taking the time to say hello. Walking down the D-wing with you, 2 days ago with a pull of my pony tail to bring me back to your walking pace. Cooper you had so much more life ahead of you… But God know and he says its time. No one wanted you to go. Today all of VHS mourned for you, held each other and became as one. We all smile up at you in heaven<3 It all seems unreal that your really gone, hoping for you to pop up somewhere.

May 2,1995-October 5,2011 So little time has gone by it seems as it were just yesterday when you were constantly beating me at tetherball at Verrado Middle school all the way back to the 5^th grade. The immature name callings on the play ground and playing tag on the field. Your smile lightened up a whole room and the loudness of your voice, will never is forgotten. Cooper you mean so much to us! It is never a goodbye , but always a see you later.

      Seeing pictures of smiles seems to be like it never happened. The different emotions you get at a regular high school to dead silence. Silence that will never be forgotten. We will live it up for you Cooper because that is how you would have wanted it to be. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Psalm 30:5
Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

May you rest in peace buddy.

      Tears are falling but I am not yet broken.  My heart is aching but it is not done fighting. My tongue might be tied but I still have things to say. I might be blind, but I know I still see the light. The shudders that are hidden, makes color seem concealed. Coffee black and egg white, life could be seen like this. But is it? Words that want to burst are held in. Winters water cannot yet flow.  We think as if it is erased, like it has never happened. Keep telling ourselves “I am fine” we push it aside for more time to pass. But do we truly ever really get rid of it?

      It may be forgotten but deep down, it is still there. The feeling of emptiness. At that moment not knowing what had caused it or why it is even there.  The recognition that your happiness is starting to fade. The energy that was keeping you going is now absconding. I had so much to hold on to, but all of it has managed to slip away. Each touch sent chills down my spine with a fast heart beat to now, nothing. I am lost and in need of His guidance. Not sure what I am doing or where I am going. Am I doing the right thing? Am I giving enough?  Right now all of it seems like a jumbled mess, but I know soon enough it will fit together as if it were a puzzle piece.

Even though life or relationships are not as easy as black and white, the shudders have to be opened sometime. But the question is when? All of which is going on I will continue telling myself …

I am fine.