Thud, thud, thud (Sound of your heart beat) It is more than the rhythm of your heart beat that makes it unique.  A heart is what attracts some people.  A heart is where people think they feel the emotion “Feeling broken”.  A heart is what keeps our blood flowing.  A heart is what I wear on my shoulder.  Giving love from left to right as a decision, not an emotion.  I t does not matter what type of love you are giving; It is still making the same decision. Love should always be persistent. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 when someone says “I love you” it isn’t for closure, but for doors to open up for what God has in store. When they look you in your eyes and express how much you mean to them, it is not just a play they decided to rehears. When a kiss is blown into the air it is for you to catch in remembrance of how much they will always love you. When your fingers are intertwined it is reassurance that you will never let go.  The love I have is genuine but I can only give so much of it away. Each relationship people get in and out of, a little piece is taken away.  Your heart should be passionate in everything thing you do. If you decide to pursue in something you should put all your love, care, and effort into it. Otherwise, nothing will be accomplished.  You tend to love so much and get nothing in return. So why don’t I just give up?

Giving up on someone or something should never be the answer.  If you decide on that, your heart is not in the right place. If you are intentionally trying to work on something or help someone out, you are going to go through the struggles and catch them when they fall. I am faithful.  You want to be the one they can count on because one day the two of you will become as one. You want to be able to become as ONE with loyalty and having God as your center. My heart is intimate and I know that if things get rocky the love I decided to give will never change. When you start to give up on someone, they start to become broken. The feeling of brokenness tares you apart but it will soon fade away. You made the decision to give up but you also made the decision to LOVE. You cannot have both otherwise your love was out of emotion the whole time. If your love comes from emotion then one moment you will be totally in love with someone and then two months will do by and you will realize and give up. It is a cycle that you need to know how it works or you will have a dysfunctional relationship. If that were the case the love you would have for someone would come and go.

There are many different hearts in this world and someone happened to fell in love with mine <3

2 Corinthians 3:18 “Love Never Fails”

http://www.myfoxphoenix.com/dpp/news/education/verrado-high-school-football-player-dies-10062011

    

   Today is the remembrance of a dear friend Cooper Courtney. Not a day has gone by when he didn’t make everyone smile. Walking in the halls with confidence and his head held high. “How’re der’in” For his funny hellos. Number 75 on Junior Varsity football team. A great player and someone who had great sportsmanship. Moments keep replaying in my head “Hey, Kayleana” as I’d pass you in the hall ways. You telling me how full of myself I was last year and not even taking the time to say hello. Walking down the D-wing with you, 2 days ago with a pull of my pony tail to bring me back to your walking pace. Cooper you had so much more life ahead of you… But God know and he says its time. No one wanted you to go. Today all of VHS mourned for you, held each other and became as one. We all smile up at you in heaven<3 It all seems unreal that your really gone, hoping for you to pop up somewhere.

May 2,1995-October 5,2011 So little time has gone by it seems as it were just yesterday when you were constantly beating me at tetherball at Verrado Middle school all the way back to the 5^th grade. The immature name callings on the play ground and playing tag on the field. Your smile lightened up a whole room and the loudness of your voice, will never is forgotten. Cooper you mean so much to us! It is never a goodbye , but always a see you later.

      Seeing pictures of smiles seems to be like it never happened. The different emotions you get at a regular high school to dead silence. Silence that will never be forgotten. We will live it up for you Cooper because that is how you would have wanted it to be. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Psalm 30:5
Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

May you rest in peace buddy.

      Tears are falling but I am not yet broken.  My heart is aching but it is not done fighting. My tongue might be tied but I still have things to say. I might be blind, but I know I still see the light. The shudders that are hidden, makes color seem concealed. Coffee black and egg white, life could be seen like this. But is it? Words that want to burst are held in. Winters water cannot yet flow.  We think as if it is erased, like it has never happened. Keep telling ourselves “I am fine” we push it aside for more time to pass. But do we truly ever really get rid of it?

      It may be forgotten but deep down, it is still there. The feeling of emptiness. At that moment not knowing what had caused it or why it is even there.  The recognition that your happiness is starting to fade. The energy that was keeping you going is now absconding. I had so much to hold on to, but all of it has managed to slip away. Each touch sent chills down my spine with a fast heart beat to now, nothing. I am lost and in need of His guidance. Not sure what I am doing or where I am going. Am I doing the right thing? Am I giving enough?  Right now all of it seems like a jumbled mess, but I know soon enough it will fit together as if it were a puzzle piece.

Even though life or relationships are not as easy as black and white, the shudders have to be opened sometime. But the question is when? All of which is going on I will continue telling myself …

I am fine.

A Job Well Done

A job well done is more than success. It is the sensation of beauty- as if you have done something. The feeling as if you have made an impact on some one’s life or something more. A friend came up to me a while back and expressed there was something missing. As I began to ponder, I told her where to look. But it wasn’t something physical that she could push aside in her messy closet to find. It was the emptiness she was aching in her heart. Knocking on her chest like “A man, a man made out of tin.” She became Tin Woodsman in the Wizard of Oz. Even though Tin Woodsman had NO heart she had nothing to look upon, until she found out what she was looking for. ” You’re rubbing off on me best friend what is going on here?”  We all know in the long run.It had nothing to do with me, all glory goes to Him. She began to convey that her whole life she was forced into going to church and being a Sunday Christian, but in the end she realized that it wasn’t enough. As she was talking it brought me back to Prescott Pines, having the time to put you aside and lead kids to Christ. Now was the time to bring work back home with me. Not only was she the Tin man but she was lost with no direction. Not knowing when to pray or even if she knew how to. Knowing the basics but didn’t know where to start. I asked her a few questions and her answers came out all unsure. Having hesitant responses is understandable, because it is a life changing decision. It is that first thing you have to take care of, crossing over. In the book of Joshua it talks about crossing the Jordan 3:1;4:24.  Making that life changing decision and leaving your old life in the past. Days and some Months have gone by and she is still trying to get back to Kansas, figure out what all of this means and why it is so important. We all have our own timing. “Close your eyes, tap your heals together 3 times and think to yourself there is no place like home”. All I can do is continue being a good influence and support her best I can and God will do the rest. We are all in Gods timing, and Gods timing is perfect.

A Story we all know that happends..

      If he opens his mouth she wants to hear the truth. Not the truth he wants her to believe it is true. Do not sit and pacify when all she is really wanting is honesty. She took a step in trying to break down her wall. But all she keeps trying to do is build it back up again… What goes though her head when something feels off are “How long are we going to be able to keep this up?” “Does he truly love me for me?” “How many other girls does he tell, I love them too?” She knows he tells her she shouldn’t have to worry. But how can she not? He does not show her enough for her to give him enough. He does not tell her enough for her to respond. It seems like he almost bored and she does not have the energy to keep him occupied.

      She tells him she loves him but is afraid her moving forward, is no longer moving. She needs him to meet her half way. Feeling broken and confused she cannot even fathom. She needs him constantly reminding her of the positive because she sits and wallows in the negative. She is falling and needs him to catch her. She wants a surprise from him to show her how much she mean to him, don’t tell. Because words will always be words but actions is what she can hold onto. She does not want him to pacify because that it all she hears.

      Questions that still float around in her head: Do you truly love me? When you think of me does your heart start to skip a beat or when my name is called.. Do you even look around? When you look back on us am I someone you want to “put effort into?”  Right now that’s all she is wanting. She wants them to be strong together. She wants his heart to feel the way as hers were to. She wants the effort she hasn’t felt in a long time.  She wants to share every moment with him.She just needs him to be there. 

Love

It starts out bright and clear.  All thoughts sound so appealing, even if you truly know peddles will begin to fall. It happens with just a matter of time. It’s a rose that is so everlasting. But once you get a hold of it, your insides begin to bleed. Bleed by all the hurt it has caused you, the thorns that you have embraced to hold onto forever. Never letting go even if it has caused you so much agony, agony that you wish have never felt before. It starts out so bright and clear and then things begin to change. A visual of a bleeding red to a dark and despondent color. It starts to droop tipping over the vase like it already wants to die. These thorns that you hold on to is the most painful thing, each prick you come across gives you another drop of blood you pat away. Hiding the wound like it has never been there before. Each kiss you take is another piece given.  There are gardens full of these roses but you just might want to make sure you pick the right one…

                                              

                                                             

You are perfect.

              

            Seeing you smile brings joy to my heart. Drawing pictures with you brings me warmth. Nathaniel Alexander Santana is a six year old boy that is still pushing through difficulties. He brought to my attention that imperfection IS perfect. His little grin, perfect. His laugh, perfect. Every inch that God created is perfect. He was born in Northern Hollywood, California. Already shows that he is a star. He is a star that shines so bright when you are in his presents. At birth he was diagnosed with a heart defect; his intestines were not developed right, MR, and still has managed to show us his strength after 19 surgeries. In this process since he was 3days old to 11 months only once was he able to come home. It touches me knowing his story born not even able to eat. Doctors did the best they could, giving Nate four drops of milk in one hour. That is not much, not much at all. At one point the doctor said he only had a couple days to a couple weeks to live.

Not only is Nathaniel growing and learning how to live this life style but teaching me in the process. He comes to the volleyball games, knowing me as “his girlfriend.” As I continue talking with him, I learn how to sign. He is no different from you and me, if not better. He can show all of us that we can be stronger then what we present ourselves to be. <3 

He is my Savior!

I fell in love with a seeker, someone who seeks for more then what is given. There has never been a time when he left my side nor forsaken me. Hebrews 13:5-6 "Let your conduct be without covetousness, and be content with such things that you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you,' so that we may boldly say, 'The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do to me.'" There has been a war and without him, I would have had battle scares. Battle scares that would stay with me forever. Each mark that was made or craved in my heart would be a remembrance of more burdens to weigh me down. But with him they are not there, not a single scratch did I come across. I am healed by his presents and will continue to be safe in his arms. Just cry out to him and you will be heard. He will not sit and ignore you or brush the situation off his shoulders. He feels your pain. So I will not sit here and be quite! But I will clear my voice to be heard. 

That is something I struggled with, knowing that Jesus can hear me. I would continuously pray for something and would not get an answer. Weeks, months, years would go by and I would hear nothing, not a single word. But really, the answer was there the whole time. I just was not listening. There was a time in my life when I was moved from my hometown here to Arizona. Feeling as if all my memories were gone as easily shook by an etcher sketch. I would pray that my mom would let me live my grandparents or something; I had no desire to be here. Had my bags packed for months and refused to get settled in my ‘new home’. As continued to pray, God would throw more reasons in my face why I should stay. He made sure I realized my Mom a stay home mom, while her husband was in Iraq. But at that moment I didn’t care. I didn’t care how everyone else was feeling all I could do was point fingers. Point fingers as to who gave me my misery. When really I was in control of it all. God made his answer very clear the moment I prayed for it, that I wasn’t going anywhere. But I wasn’t listening instead I would spend my days crying because everything was gone. Now that I look back on it I’m glad he didn’t allow it because in reality I would be getting into mischief, failing all my classes, and be that stuck up cheerleader everyone is ‘two faced’ towards. So if you feel like you are in a situation and God is not listening he is and always will be. You just need to take the time to listen. Just cry out to him and you will be heard.